She Roars: A Women’s Weekend

Several weeks ago, I travelled up to Princeton to attend a conference entitled “She Roars: Celebrating Women at Princeton.” I will admit that I am still on a high from this exhilarating experience. I have several takeaways from the weekend, and also some specific topics I’d like to address in the future. With 1300 women returning, representing fully 5 percent of all female graduates, the Alumni Office could count the weekend a success based purely on numbers. A far more important measure, however, was the fact that, as one of my friends said, “Everyone is beaming.” That response says much about the University’s careful planning and what women want and need. And that, of course, is why I’m writing about an experience that might seem quite irrelevant to you, my faithful reader.

First, the Alumni Office didn’t presume to know what the University’s female graduates would want from a women’s conference. Instead, they decided to ask. They scheduled planning sessions in cities all over the country, inviting anyone who had ever volunteered for the University to dinner. I attended the Washington planning session which proved a fun opportunity to catch up with friends and acquaintances but also an effective way to collect input while simultaneously promoting the conference. Each dinner table had a note taker and we had specific questions to answer. Nothing was left to chance though there was ample opportunity for wide ranging conversation and a variety of perspectives. It was especially interesting to have alumnae from the 1970s to the 2000s at my table. While I doubt our thoughts differed markedly from those gleaned in other cities, it was nice to see the actual conference schedule reflect our suggestions.

We wanted to hear from some of our most notable female alumnae, especially Sonia Sotomayor ‘74 or Elena Kagan ’81; we wanted to learn about women’s experience on campus today; we wanted to talk about the balancing of work, career and family; and we wanted to be able to network. Lesson #1: women liked to be involved and have a say in the activities in which they are involved; likewise the activities will be more successful if the planners get input. Lesson #2: educated women share the same interests and concerns the nation-round.  We like hearing from prominent women; we are concerned about work, career and family balance issues; we seek opportunities to network; and we care about the women who follow us.

The conference offerings featured a series of workshops and keynotes, all echoing the input from the planning events. There were sessions on undergraduate women and leadership, work-life balance, children, literature environmentalism, parenthood, women in the nation’s service, STEM, athletics, journalism, the arts and business—you name it. While all the sessions had an element of presentation, they were structured to include significant interaction. As women from the first coeducational classes in the early 1970s to recent graduates shared perspectives, questions, and concerns, we experienced the true essence of the weekend.

One of the highpoints was interactive, but didn’t involve the audience. University President Shirley Tilghman and Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor ’74 had a conversation before an audience of 1000 plus. Responding to questions as wide-ranging as how she ended up at Princeton and relationships among justices on the Supreme Court, Sotomayor came across as humble, warm, funny, diplomatic and determined. We all fell in love with her. And again, the structure was distinctly female: the justice didn’t stand before as and give a speech. Instead, she and President Tilghman had a conversation, with all of us eavesdropping. We got to know the justice through the context of their relationship.

Justice Sotomayor was sitting near us at dinner and I introduced myself. She warmly invited our students to visit her. But one of the highlights of the weekend occurred after dinner when familiar 1970s music got us to our feet. Soon we were all dancing with a Supreme Court Justice! That was sisterhood we won’t soon forget!

By the way, orange pashminas were draped over the backs of each of our chairs at dinner. The next day, the orange wraps were the fashion statements. If I could, I’d figure out a way to wear mine every day.

Meg Whitman ‘77, former eBay CEO and California gubernatorial candidate, was most gracious as she spoke on Saturday in the courtyard of the college that bears her name. Whitman made her gift of $30 million—at the time the largest gift in Princeton’s history  —very early in her tenure as a trustee. It was also early in President Tilghman’s tenure. Whitman explained that she was motivated in part to make such a generous donation to help Tilghman, Princeton’s first female president, as fundraising is often a measure of a university president’s success. Whitman didn’t originally want the college named for her, but Tilghman persuaded her to abandon her modesty. Naming the college in her honor allowed Whitman to serve as a more effective role model for female philanthropy, all the more important since women tend to be less financially generous than men. It was notable that Whitman didn’t speak about eBay or about her campaign for governor; instead, she used her bully pulpit to talk about philanthropy and about leadership. We, especially those of us in female institutions, need more women to generously and publicly support the institutions that have made a difference in their lives. By doing so, we will ensure that the same opportunities exist for the generations that follow them.

Perhaps my favorite part of the weekend was a Saturday morning discussion entitled “Forget Balance, Try for Sanity Instead” led by New York Times writer Lisa Belkin ’82. You may be familiar with Belkin from her “Life’s Work” column or her “Motherlode” blog. You also might recognize her from her controversial 2003 New York Times Magazine article, “The Opt-Out Revolution,” in which she chronicled a number of well-educated, successful women’s (many of them Princeton graduates) decisions to leave the workforce to concentrate on their families. Women eager to receive Belkin’s wisdom and share their own experiences filled the large lecture hall (where Belkin remembered dropping out of Econ 101). I will delve deeper into this discussion in a later column, but I want to share my primary takeaway from this session: women crave these opportunities to bond through shared challenges, sorrows, joys, and triumphs. However, unlike men, who play golf or basketball together or who, as a classmate of mine pointed out, go out for drinks after work, we do not have natural gathering activities – especially working mothers who are so constantly pressed for time and feel that every moment free from work should be devoted to their families. I mentioned this observation to the woman sitting next to me who agreed and credited the popularity of book clubs to this need.

So I have challenged my readers intentionally to create sustained opportunities for this kind of bonding --  be it a book club, a giving circle, an investment club, a singing group—you name it.  And think about girls schools as great venues to host your group.  Let’s build our sisterhood, and if we’re lucky, maybe we’ll arrange for pashminas in a color of your choosing!

Let's Go Outside

Spring finally seems to have arrived (although I barely dare say so), and it seems fitting to return to some of my original twelve pieces of advice, particularly:

1.       Make sure she spends time outside

2.       Don’t overschedule her

Now that the weather has improved, sending children outside is easier.  Directly related to spending more time outside is not overscheduling our children.  Having free time outdoors allows children to experience the salutary effects of nature and provides opportunities for children to play, something many of them don’t do enough.

If you read this column often, you have probably figured out that I love technology.  However, I also believe that technology easily enslaves us and that we owe it to ourselves and our children to take breaks from our screens, and do something else, preferably together and outside. 

We do not need scientists or social scientists to tell us that our children have less unstructured free time than we did at their age, nor do we need these experts to inform us that these young people spend less time outside (with the exception of organized sports) than we did.  In fact, between 1997 and 2003, the number of children ages 9-12 engaged in “outside activities such as hiking, walking, fishing, beach play, and gardening” declined by 50% according to University of Maryland professor Sandra Hofferth.  She also found that children’s free, unstructured time decreased by nine hours per week over a 25-year period.[i]

According to Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder, nature positively affects children and adults in numerous ways.  Adopting the renowned Harvard biologist Edward O. Wilson’s argument that humans have “the urge to affiliate with other forms of life,” a condition he calls “biophilia,” Louv believes that we have an inherent need to connect with nature, flora and fauna, an imperative essential to our healthy development.[ii]  Without this connection, we suffer.

A ten-year study of patients whose gall bladders had been removed found that those whose rooms looked out on trees recovered faster than those whose windows looked at a brick wall.  Likewise, prisoners whose cell windows offered a vista of farmland got sick less often than those inmates who looked out onto the prison courtyard.  Yet another study revealed that viewing pictures of nature after a stressful experience significantly reduced “muscle tension, pulse, and skin-conductance readings” in only five minutes.[iii]  Peter Kahn in The Human Relationship with Nature reviewed more than 100 studies showing that spending time in nature decreases stress in adults. Cornell professor of design and environmental analysis Nancy Wells conducted research that concluded “that life’s stressful events appear not to cause as much psychological stress in children who live in high nature conditions as compared with children who live in low-nature conditions.”[iv]   Wells’ and her colleague Gary Evans’ examination of the impact of living in a more natural environment on children’s levels of anxiety, depression and behavioral disorders determined that more nature meant fewer emotional problems.  In addition, “children with more nature near their homes also rated themselves higher than their corresponding peers on a global measure of self-worth.” [v]  Some studies even suggest that spending time in nature “may reduce the symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.”[vi]

In 2002, The State Education and Environmental Roundtable, a nationwide initiative to analyze environment-based education issued a report based on 10 years researching the best environment-based education programs around the country;  the report contends that such programs “produce[s] student gains in social studies, science, language arts, and math; improves standardized test scores and grade-point averages; and develop[s] skills in problem solving, critical thinking, and decision-making.” [vii] Now, I’m not sure that this was just about the nature aspect, but rather that this form of education is experiential and project based, pedagogies that enhance learning (and that are integral parts of Holton’s new strategic plan), but certainly nature provides an excellent environment in which to use these approaches.   We all know that, left to their own devices, children in a natural environment, following their own whims, will naturally explore and learn.

North Carolina State University professor Robin Moore devotes his work to promoting children spending time in nature.  Nature is important, he believes, because it provides multi-sensory experiences that involve a kind of interaction and engagement necessary for the ”healthy development of an interior life.  .  .  .  This type of self-activated, autonomous interaction is what we call free play. . . .   A rich open environment will continuously present alternative choices for creative engagement.”   He contrasts this with the “often distorted, dual sensory (vision and sound only), one way experience of television and other electronic media.”[viii]

As Moore suggest, one of the most important reasons for children and young people to go outside is that nature  encourages play, an activity far more essential to healthy emotional and cognitive development than we may think – more on the value of play next week. 

So spending time in the out of doors helps us to be healthier, less stressed, and generally emotionally and mentally more balanced.  Nature feeds curiosity and creativity.  There really are no downsides and only upsides to fresh air.

Our girls go outside quite a lot.  Lower Schoolers enjoy outside recess of unstructured time everyday weather permits.  Last fall, they built a shrine for a dead chipmunk they found on the turf field.  The fifth graders work in their garden and explore the creek.  6^th through 8^th graders go on outdoor education trips.  Older girls might take a run through the neighborhood.  On nice days, they sit out in the gardens studying and chatting.  And we could probably do more on our beautiful campus. 

Last weekend, I persuaded my husband and son to support a student fundraiser, and take a bike ride on the Capital Crescent Trail.  We rode all the way to the Georgetown waterfront where we had lunch by the river and watched crew races.  Afterwards, we rode back to Bethesda.  I had never been on the Capital Crescent Trail; it was so pretty riding through the budding foliage, along the canal and the river.  We enjoyed each other’s company as well as the camaraderie of other school folks.  We had a great time, returning both tired and refreshed.  Even my son, who hadn’t wanted to go, admitted it was fun. 

I hope you’ll take advantage of the most beautiful season in this part of the world.  Send your children outside – just let them go for awhile.  And don’t be afraid; according to Louv, we have grossly exaggerated the dangers our children might encounter.  Encourage them to spend time in solitude and reflection as well as play in groups free of structure and adult organization.  As a family, take a walk or a bike ride; have a picnic.  Get a hammock.  Play croquet or badminton.  Take a deep breath.  It’s all way cheaper than even going to the movies! 

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[i] Richard Louv, Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder (North Carolina, 2008), 34.

[ii] Louv, 43.

[iii] Louv, 46.

[iv] Louv, 50.

[v] Louv, 51.

[vi] Louv, 35.

[vii] Louv, 206.

[viii] Louv, 66.

Leadership

Self-reflection is a critical quality of leadership, and I do a great deal of reflecting about leadership generally and my own actions specifically.   I have served as a senior administrator in independent schools for twenty years (a fact I find rather hard to believe!), and those two decades have given me ample opportunities to consider the qualities that define effective leaders, as well as practice leadership in a variety of settings and situations.  Over the years, I have read a number of books and articles and listened to speakers on the topic of leadership and even helped develop a leadership course.  From all that, three works stand out.   First is an article by Theodore Sergi, Connecticut Commissioner of Education, about servant leadership.  I can’t find this article anywhere, but the idea that a great leader really serves the people s/he leads, and not the other way around, made a deep and lasting impression on me.  More recently, Patrick Lenceoni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team and Jim Collins’ Good to Great have significantly influenced my thinking.

Years of studying and teaching history and the historical figures who populate those pages have truly determined my definition of leadership.   I particularly admire Queen Elizabeth I, Abraham Lincoln, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s leadership styles.  I admire Queen Elizabeth for her ability to effect compromise and create relative harmony in dangerously contentious situations.  She also identified talented people and gave them freedom to do what they were good at – Sir Francis Drake comes to mind. But most of all, I admire the way she toured her realm each year, making sure that she went out and met her subjects.  Abraham Lincoln I admire for his ability to capitalize on his opponents by embracing them instead of marginalizing them.  He also knew when to compromise, when to be firm, and how to use the system to his advantage.  He was as savvy a politician as has ever served as President.  He employed humor and stories with great skill, but most of all, he was a person of unshakable integrity.  Though stunningly political, he never compromised his principles about what really mattered, a quality that gave him strength and credibility during our nation’s ultimate test.  Finally, FDR gathered around him a disparate group of people who generated a range of ideas and solutions, giving Roosevelt a variety of options for solving problems.  He wasn’t afraid to experiment nor did he shrink from abandoning an ineffective program to replace it with something he hoped might work better.  Finally, during the fight over the Supreme Court, he observed that, at one point, he turned around and realized no one was following him; he had lost the popular support.  You can’t be a leader without followers.

So as you can tell by this digest, there are several core qualities and behaviors that I believe effective leadership demands.  None of these characteristics alone makes a leader, but rather they are necessary in the aggregate.  For example, one can be a person of integrity, but not a leader; however, a leader must be a person of integrity.

Integrity : A leader must have a moral compass on which to rely, especially when faced with difficult challenges.  S/he must always do what’s right, even if doing so risks being unpopular and even when others may not be able to understand one’s actions.  You have to be able to know in your heart that you did the right thing.  Sometimes the right course of action is not obvious.  In these cases, I try to think about the people affected – what will the impact on them be; how will the decision reflect on the institution; and most importantly, in the context of school, I always try to put the interests of the students first.

Courage: Being courageous is harder, I think, than having integrity, but equally essential.  Sometimes the courage required is no more than overcoming the anxiety of making a speech.  Other times, one must steel oneself to take on a tough challenge; have a hard conversation; hold someone accountable; or make a difficult decision.  One must be ready to engage with – even reach out to -- people who disagree with you, and to listen to criticism.  When appropriate, one must also acknowledge and take responsibility for mistakes.  Mustering courage takes tremendous emotional energy, but summoning that energy from a strong ethical core – one’s integrity – makes it easier.

Commitment to serve: While people often think of leadership in terms of power, I believe that power, at least on the part of the leader, is quite unimportant.  Not to sound corny, but leadership is really about empowering others; or about leveraging power to realize a vision.  Exercise of personal power undermines true leadership.  Instead, I think about leadership in terms of serving the people, particularly the students in the case of a school, and the institution.  This is where the Theodore Sergi article I can’t find comes in, but the idea of servant leadership has gained much currency.  A key component of this philosophy is never asking others to do something I wouldn’t do.  It also means that the tough jobs are mine, not someone else’s.  I put the students and the school first, that is whom and what I serve, and to the extent I have power or resources, they should be employed towards those ends.

Vision: The ability to develop and articulate a vision often sets leaders apart from others.  To move an institution or group of people forward, the leader must have a vision, a description of the future that others can understand and get excited about.  To be successful, a vision needs grounding in the institutional or group culture while also moving the institution to a new place. 

Effective communication: A vision has no value if it isn’t communicated.  In addition, all the human relationships that form the basis of communities and teams, depend on effective communication.  Effective communication, in turn, depends on understanding the culture and community so you know what resonates.  One gains this understanding through careful observation and listening.  I also find that Dan and Chris Heath’s theories about change and the need to manage both emotions and rational thinking extremely helpful in developing effective communication.

Listening and Compassion:  Effective listening enables effective communication, and it also conveys a sense that the leader cares about people, their thoughts and their concerns.  Though it’s very unlikely that everyone will like a leader, and it may even be hard to get everyone to respect you, through listening and showing compassion you build trust.  Each of us is an individual with likes and dislikes, joys and sorrows, and a leader builds a stronger community and greater commitment when people feel that the leader cares.

Collaboration and ability to build a team: I firmly believe that more heads tackling any problem will devise a better solution than one person.  So whenever possible, I try to collaborate with colleagues.   For this reason, I also believe in having a team approach to management and leadership.  Team building is therefore another important attribute of leadership.  Trust undergirds any effective team, and trust develops through open, honest communication along with support among teammates.  This is a cyclical process that demands commitment to building a team on the part of members.  The leader needs to offer encouragement and advice to ensure that the process keeps moving forward.

By no means do I feel as though I embody all these characteristics, but I certainly try by constantly reflecting about my leadership.   I strive every day not only to do the best job I can, but a better job than the day before.

Bullying II

Prompted by some new research positing that most aggression occurs among young people vying for social position, I made bullying the subject of my last column before vacation.  I outlined the research findings and then began a conversation about how to help our girls deal with the mean behavior they will inevitably experience.  Some of the advice came from our school counselors and some from Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, & Other Realities of Adolescence.  This column continues that conversation.

In their social world, there are three roles that girls can play: the bully, mean girl, or aggressor; the bystander; or the victim; and, by the way, these roles are not mutually exclusive – girls may play different roles at different times.

As parents, we are most likely to know when our daughter is the victim.  Wiseman asserts that girls must stand up for themselves while “communicat[ing] [their] feelings respectfully, and ask[ing] for what [they] want clearly.”[i] She feels that ignoring mean behavior gives license for continued abuse.  Beginning in 3^rd grade, we help girls learn to address hurtful actions forthrightly.  We do role plays with the girls so they can practice the tough task of confronting their peers.  Upper School Counselor Annette Levitine-Woodside agrees that in the case of verbal abuse, a girl should directly confront the abuser.  On the other hand, Ms. Levitine-Woodside cautions that when a girl is excluded (such as not being invited to a party or denied a seat at the lunch table), it’s often best to respond by “trying to move on and be friendly to others rather than having a confrontation. The “mean girl,” she warns,” gets a charge out of thinking that the other person is upset.” 

If you have reason to believe that your daughter is playing the role of mean girl, Wiseman recommends that you:

·         [E]mpathize with her situation.  Even if you think she’s behaving abominably, appreciate the awful pressure of the clique and her fear of losing her social status (remember that, according to the recent research, most aggressive behavior occurs as adolescents jockey for social position).

·         Ask her questions to articulate her motivations and those of her friends.

·         Have her review her expectations for friendship to clarify whether she thinks her behavior or that of her friends has stepped outside bounds.

·         Articulate your values and ethics and how you would like to see them reflected in her behavior.

·         Hold her accountable when she makes mistakes.[ii]

Needless to say, it’s extremely important to acknowledge and address mean behavior by our daughters.

The most common role is the bystander.  Throughout our whole program, from Lower through Upper School, we counsel girls actively to shun the role of the passive bystander and take a proactive stance against meanness.  Ms. Levitine-Woodside poignantly explains, “Students have told me how hurtful it is to have someone speak cruelly to them while another classmate stands by and watches.“   By contrast, Malikka Rollins, interim Middle School counselor, “remind[s] [the girls ] that they play a powerful, influential role in the bullying scenarios when they choose to stand up and counter the bullying.”  As parents, we can reinforce the School’s message by stressing the right way to treat one another, treatment that wouldn’t countenance standing by (physically or virtually on line) when someone else is being hurt. 

The internet and cell phones offer powerful, unsupervised venues where girls can treat others meanly.  The ability to spread a mean comment widely is these mediums most damaging quality.  If you’re not familiar with how easy, prevalent, and dangerous this kind of behavior is, you should read the article about sexting in Sunday’s New York Times (“A Girl’s Nude Photo, Altered Lives,” Mar. 26, 2011).  This piece recounts how an 8^th grade girl sent a nude photo of herself to her boyfriend via cellphone; they broke up and he sent the photo along to a girl with whom the original girl had had a falling out.  The recipient of the photo added a text saying “Ho Alert! If you think this girl is a whore, then text this to all your friends.”  With that she sent the photo and text to everyone on her contact list.  Before long, hundreds, if not thousands, of people had received the nude photo and text. 

As Rick Peters, a senior deputy prosecuting attorney for Thurston County, Washington, where the incident took place observed, “The idea of forwarding that picture was bad enough, but the text elevated it to something far more serious. It was mean-girl drama, an all-out attempt to destroy someone without thinking about the implications.”

Starting in Lower School, we try to help our girls understand the hazards of technology in social relations.  Lower School Counselor Julie Rodriguez-Franson teaches students the importance of body language, a factor completely absent in texting or AIM.  In 6^th grade, the girls focus on how easy it is to bully with technology and how they can stop such behavior.  Ms. Rodriguez-Franson even suggests that “Many girls decide to stop using texting and AIM because of the ability people have to copy and paste and bully other people using their screen name.”  Middle and Upper School counselors likewise warn  girls against carrying out feuds on line. 

This is truly dangerous territory, and one the seriousness of which adolescents often don’t appreciate.  The students involved in the Washington state photo/text incident were arrested for child pornography.  In addition, without considerable vigilance that may feel very unwanted, it happens outside of adults’ vision.  However, we, as parents, have an obligation to our children to protect them by knowing what our children are doing with their cell phones and Facebook accounts.  As the father of the girl who originally sent the photo regretted, “I could say it was everyone else’s fault, [b]ut I had a piece of it, too. I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement in her use of the phone and texting. I trusted her too much.”

Ultimately, the queen bees have power because their peers grant it.  Ms. Rodriguez-Franson’s “goal is that the girls understand that they have the power to make the girls who are inclusive, get along with others and have the ability to work with any academic grouping the popular ones.”   Girls mustn’t be bystanders, physically or virtually.  They must know what they want in friends, and hold themselves to those standards in their relationships.  They must resist the temptation to be mean to gain social status.  And they need some help from adults to do all that.

The good news is that in a February 20 Washington Post article entitled “What Happens When Mean Girls Grow Up?,”  Laura Sessions Stepp documents the decline in mean behavior that occurs as girls grow older.  High school seniors are less aggressive than 9^th graders and college seniors are, likewise, less aggressive than freshmen.  Moreover, a 2008 study by the Meredith Corporation, a media and marketing firm that owns magazines like Fitness and Better Homes and Gardens, showed that among the cohort of women aged 18-64, “slightly more than half the respondents identified themselves as inclusive rather than competitive, motivated more by the desire to interact than impress. The positive characteristics began to be particularly noticeable as young women moved through their 20s and beyond.” 

We need to help our girls get through pre-adolescence and adolescence with as much self-esteem as possible, a goal to which we as a School devote considerable energy.  Their self-esteem will help them stand up to mean behavior and standing up, if handled properly and supported by those around them, will help build self-esteem.  Eventually, they can put this kind of behavior behind them.

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[i] Wiseman, Queen Bees & Wannabes, 172.

[ii] Wiseman, 172.

Sources: Jan Hoffman, “A Girl’s Nude Photo, Altered Lives,” The New York Times, Mar. 26, 2011; http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/27/us/27sexting.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=general&src=me). 

Laura Sessions Stepp, “What Happens When Mean Girls Grow Up?’ The Washington Post, Feb 20, 2011; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/11/AR2011021104947.html